why

and i answered,

tears cleanses because tears spring from something that needs to be cleansed,


sadness strengthens because sadness springs from something that needs to be strong,


hope slashes because we see more than there is,


love stabs because we expect forever

baba and mummy

photos of baba & mummy on eid fitri

around midnight, without a care in the world, i put on my ipod randomly listening to 3000 songs and silent my cellular since dawn, i buried myself into pages of "for one more day" by mitch albom. and for the 1st time in my life, i cried while reading a book. how much i wish i could turn back the time and spend more time with my late mama.'

but around 2.30 a.m, i remembered, i almost forget to make nano and kak lynn their daily anelene. i quickly ran down stairs and there were my baba nano and mummy lynn watching tv.

"ingat sho lupe watkan nanonyek milk" nano with his usual grin while channel surfing astro.

"sori nano, tgh bace buku tadi, nasib baik tak tertido"

i went straight to the kitchen and made 2 cups of anelene for nano and kak lynn. after serving their daily fix, gave them a good night kiss and off to sleep.

and baba & mummy, being manja sis and bro, they told me that they've decided they won't drink the milk if i don't make it. hehe. cute kan?

maybe it is true, they've been married for almost 24 years, God hasn't reward them with children, but they have me and cici. we were born to take care of them like they've been taking of cici and i, unconditionally. insyaAllah.

i love you baba. i love you mummy. thank you for the bottom of my heart.

i dozed off with a note on my mind, though i've lost mama, i still have baba and mummy plus adikku cici and my family to be taken care by me as long as i'm breathing. InsyaAllah.

what i'm looking for

I'm a bit tipsy right now, so you'll have to pardon any misspellings. But I've found I'm more blunt and honest when slightly inebriated, so bear with me.

Since I've received quite a lot of cynical remarks from people mostly guys that I'm being too picky or careful whenever relationship topic was arisen in few conversations. Heck, it's not that I choose to be a spinster or will reject any kind of affection, it's just that I AM not ready since I broke up few months ago. I don't want to hurt anybody with my philophobic self for now.

But if what i'm looking for in a guy can be listed, this would be mine. So here it is:

Intelligence -
In the same vein, I can’t see myself ever dating someone who didn’t have some innate curiosity that propelled them towards always learning and being open to the things around them. Accordingly, an inherent ability to use one’s own sound judgment to decipher the world around them is a necessity. I want you to be varied and brilliant. I want to learn as much as I want to teach. I feel the best relationships have a sort of symbiosis to them when it comes to intellectual interaction. Basically just be a some sort of a nerd. Read books. Be interested in the world around you and realize you are Not center of the universe.

Religious -
Ok I'm not going to say everybody who have sinned will go to hell. It's not us to judge and make the final decision. Just remember, how and why we've existed in this world. How we stay grounded and be hopeful of tomorrow? To have good intentions not only for yourself. Please just be faithful to God. By then perhaps after that, when He permits, we could actually be together?

Passion and Ambition -
Love what you do. It doesn't have to make you rich. I've never relied on a man for money and I don't intend to. But you must really have a passion for what you're doing. Have motivation. Constantly strive to do better, to keep creating, to want to share some part of yourself with the world in some way. That being said, please also be able to support yourself. I'm not going to be there forever whenever you need me.

Compassion and understanding -
i'm an analytical creature, yes, but most of this is born of a love for people. Being analytical allows me to detach and try to understand where people are coming from. Having this understanding makes me hate you less.

Honesty and Being Open -
just tell me how you're feeling or what you're pissed off about. be self aware. this doesn't, by any means, mean you know how to fix it if it's broken.

Sexuality -
yes i'm an old fashion lady when it comes to this part. i'm saving myself for my husband once i'm married. so imagine how nervous and excited i am if the day comes. so i hope, if you were to be an ice cream, please don't be vanilla. i like it varied and different and want to try new things. i'm sure, i'll favour all the love making just as much as you do, if not more.

Optimism -
should be dosed with healthy amounts of cynicism. a recognition that life is not always apple pie and sparklers and happy times. sadness, depression, anger, all of these things are a natural part of life and should never be stifled, but a hopefulness for a better tomorrow is necessary.

Sense of humor -
again, a dose of cynicism will do wonders. acerbic, astringent, witty, dry and biting, all of these are words i find endearing.

Romance -
have an understanding of what it means to be sweet and thoughtful. know that when you really care for someone, taking their feelings into consideration should happen naturally and should be instrinsic. this does not mean that you discount your own feelings. it means that someone else is important to you.

Gender roles -
understand these are entirely fluid and should never totally remain within archaic constraints. i may be an aggressive female, but i still love with when a man get all protective.

Appearance -
i can honestly say i generally go for darker features. But really, just be my height or taller. everything else is subject to chemistry (mostly built on the above).

but as always, at the end of the end when i love somebody, it's because i fell for something totally unexpected. God knows best. hehe well just have a big faith and beautiful heart. i will totally dig you.

midnight blues

BLUE

You give your love and friendship unconditionally. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

i took this quiz twice. both with the same result. i thought since i love green so much, my colour would turn out to be green also. erm blue. why blue? love unconditionally? long & thoughtful conversations? but lately i'm detached. i admit that. both to my loved ones & friends. they noticed it and i don't feel like explaining myself. no i'm not the melancholic type. i'm just not in the mood. the best way is to keep my distance. be quiet. and do my own thing. make myself busy.

but when i have to meet people, it's like i'm putting a mask on. i'm always smiling and chatty one. like one of my bruneian friend, nurul said back in summer camp middle this year,

"na, i never saw u complaining about the camp, you always look happy"

what she didn't know that i cried myself to sleep almost every night there.

why? because my mum passed away. since that i don't have a purpose in my life.

i still don't.

i want so many things in life. but i'm souless. i don't want them to know. it's unfair for them to hear me mourn, right? and i'm not finish just yet.

no worries my happy masking is always there whenever i need it.

but for now, i am blue. blue inside out. outside in.

i want

listening : say i am you - the weepies
feeling : so so
craving : more coffee, books and gadgets
reading : the alchemist - paolo coelho

I want my coffee.

I want an everyday supply of varied pies.

I want to fly a kite in pasir gudang, johor.

I want to shop as if Harrods is mine.

I want to have a brand new dv cam.

I want to make time for others.

I want to live a healthier lifestyle.

I want to be with my 11 months old nephew.

I want to stop trembling whenever I'm nervous.

I want to sleep soundly without waking up in the middle of night.

I want to travel.I want to migrate.

I want to learn.I want to teach.

I want to download more films if I could.

I want my friends to know that I miss them.

I want all Paulo Coelho's books.

I want to have my own bookstore.

I want to write. I want to paint.

I want to watch Big Love, the hbo series.

I want to buy a car with my own money.

I want to go back to myself when I was 18.

I want to understand people.

I want wars to end.

I want to learn to cook mi rebus johor.

I want my sinus to vanish.

I want 2007 to end already.

I want peace.

I want to be with Mama soon.

I want to make everyone feel special.

I want everyone to be happy.

I want to love.

I want to be loved.

I want to stop being a coward facing love.

I want so many endings for new beginnings.

I want to be grateful yet still hopeful.

bila goblok mengeblog

to be frank this would be my 2nd blog.
the 1st one was blogdrive in 2004.
i cant even remember my username to login my account.

well, i hope this won't go down the drain like the 1st one.

anyway i do blog time to time in myspace since 2004.

why i chose goblok mengeblog as the official address of my blog?

1st & foremost, it sounds catchy. to me that is.
2ndly, because it was one of my title entry in myspace blog back in 2006.
and lastly, we are fool sometimes.we make mistakes.
we are humans.and humans do blog in this era.

i'm not even a good writer.
but heck. i will write anyway.
perfectly imperfect writings
coming up and more to come.

but this blog is about my own self absorption.
could be my place to wollow or while i'm in grieve.

bernada melankolik.

nothing political or cool happenings here.
just pure self gratification.

or when i feel better, there'll be words of acknowledgement
not so much of myself le kot? hee

so, you've been warned.

taddaaa...i think my 1st post went pretty well.
i just hope it won't die.
because i can be so lazy. or too busy.
either way i will try to maintain this one insyaAllah.

so folks, bear with me.