when everything fails

shoalin soccer

this is a quick way to cheer up yourself after a bitter day or situation..

stephen chow (shoalin soccer is my favourite of all his films), adam sandler (all his films) & p ramlee (esspecially bujang lapok trilogy)..

they have this magic on me. they made me believe in happy endings no matter how screwed my life could be at times and laughter is always the best medicine.

i feel good already just by remembering of stephen chow's exaggeration in shoalin soccer. funny as hell! klako!!

langit aquamarine

http://www.langitaquamarine.blogspot.com/

langit ciptaan jiwa saya ni teman setia bumi. langit saya kekadang cerah. kekadang gerimis. kekadang ribut. tapi selalunya berseri. dan langit saya warnanya aquamarine. warna langit kamu/awak/anda? boleh pilih seperti berikut:

a) warna zaitun

b) warna merah darah

c) warna hanya Maha Pencipta saja yang tahu

saya percaya ada pekara boleh dikongsi dan ada yang harus diperibadikan. cukuplah kalau anda tahu 33% tentang saya dalam blog ini (itu pun kalau saya rasa ingin menulis). 20% tercatat di blog langit aquamarine (pun sama, kalau terpanggil untuk menulis, jangan risau, blog ini pun lebih kurang sama dengan yang aquamarine). tetapi peratusan selebihnya hanya antara saya dengan Maha Pencipta.

begitu juga dengan anda kan?

mengimbas coretan lampau

tajuk: mama nana

tarikh: 13 julai 2007

waktu: lima hari selepas mama meninggal

sudah lima hari ibuku pergi. buat selamanya. hanya Allah yang memberi kekuatan untukku meredhai pemergiannya. na cuba tidak meratapi. tapi hingga kini air mata tak berhenti mengalir. kini penghubungku dengan arwah mama hanya bekalan yasin, solat dan doa dari mata terbuka hingga terlelap kembali. na akan terus perbanyakkan amal jariah untuk mama.

Mama dijemput kembali ke rahmatullah dalam tidur waktu subuh ahad lalu. Dalam senyuman yang tenang. 8 pagi mama tak bangun lagi. ku kejut Mama berulang2 kali tapi tiada jawapan. tika itu. lekapkan telinga di dada. tiada degupan. tiada hembusan nafas. mama sudah tiada. menggigil seluruh tubuh badanku. ibuku benar-benar telah tiada. Innalillah. dalam menguruskan jenazahnya dari rumah ke masjid, na x dapat menahan air mata. walau tidak meratapi meraung2 namun MasyaAllah nyawaku bagaikan telah gugur di kaki. na cuba bertenang namun dalam hati MasyaAllah. MasyaAllah. Besar benar dugaanNya buatku.

nana mandikan jenazah mama. dalam kumat kamit na berdoa, tergerak hati mungkin mama akan membuka mata mengatakan dia tertidur. dia akan bernafas kembali. tapi tidak. tangan dan kaki mama sudah kaku. dingin. namun berseri. jenazah mudah dikapankan. ahli surau yang menolong nana, cici dan kak lynn mengatakan mama mudah dikafankan. Alhamdulillah.

setelah solat zuhur dan solat jenazah, mama dikebumikan di tanah perkuburan ampang. nana lihat adik menangis separuh nyawanya. na membeku melihat mama bertemu dengan kembali dengan tanah. sekali lagi pintaku pada Allah, tukar gantikan nyawaku dengan mama. perit benar rasanya. namun nana harus redha. nana merupakan orang terakhir meninggalkan tanah perkuburan. berat hati meninggalkan mama.

sehari sebelum mama pergi, bagai telah disusunkan, na dapat cuti bekerja 2 hari, setelah 2 bulan bekerja tanpa cuti walaupun pada hari minggu. na dapat bawa mama bersiar-siar, makan, dia mengadu sakit perut, na dapat bawa dia ke klinik. sehari sebelum mama pergi, hati tergerak mengambil banyak rakaman video sambil berkata "na amik gamba ma byk2 eh, nanti na rindu na bleh tengok" rupa-rupanya ma tinggalkan na, selamanya.

na x dpt spend byk mase dgn ma. na keje sbb na nak senangkan ma. rezeki na murah sgt sebab doa dan sokongan ma. ma. ma. ma. ma. now ma is not there to greet me with morning kisses and waving goodbye as i go to work. no mama for me to go home to. her bed is empty. her presence still lingers. i can still hear her voice calling out my name. saying how much she loves me. i miss her stubborness. i miss her sweet smile.i can still feel her kisses on my cheeks and forehead. i miss her. she is the most understanding person in my life. she supported me as a whole person. she believes in me. she loves me for what i am. she never ask for anything back in return. she was always there for me. now she remains in my heart and soul.

when i start to grieve. to cry. to mourn. all i can do is doa n read yasin for her. sumpah nana sedih. i'm having sleepless nights. my heart ache so bad. i cry when ever im alone. i can't think straight. i feel like all my dreams, missions and accomplishment became meaningless but then again Subhanallah. i can't just give up. I’m sorry Allah. i have to get back on track. i know. everything happens for a reason. Allah turned me into yatim piatu for a reason. Allah wants me to take care of the family. Give me the strength ya Allah.

i lost both of my parents this year. besar benar dugaan Allah untuk na. im still in grieve. mourning. but i have to be strong for cici, kak lynn and nano. i need to be strong and go on with my life for them. for mama. for ayah. for my family. i cant breakdown now. or ever. even i feel empty. so so empty. it is not easy. at all. i'm surprised to know that i can still put on a smile and wake up the next day no matter how much it hurts. how Great Allah is. Subhanallah. and i should be thankful because I’m still blessed with beloved family and friends who will always be there for me.

terima kasih kepada semua. terima kasih atas doa dan sokongan semua. Muga Allah sahaja membalas jasa baik semua. everybody said the fatimah said they known was a generous loving and kind person. mama akan tolong orang walaupun dia akan susah. mama akan buat apa sahaja untuk tengok arwah ayah and ahli keluarga na bahagia walaupun mama selalu terseksa. sekarang mama dah pulang kembali ke pangkuanNYA. and i know she is happy there. she is not sick anymore. she can finally be with ayah. InsyaAllah.

and yes i miss mama dearly. Muga Allah ketemukan nana dengan mama dan ayah suatu hari kelak. soon. yes hopefully soon. Muga Allah merahmati Allahyarmah Hjh Fatimah Said dan Allahyarham Hj Suleiman Omar. dan ya Allah tempatkan ibu dan ayahku di kalangan orang yang berIman. disampingMu Ya Allah. Muga kita akan kembali bersama ya mama....ayah. Amin. InsyaAllah.

***kepada yang sudi membaca blog ini, na mohon hadiahkanlah AL FATIHAH kepada kedua arwah ibu bapa na. Muga Allah memberkati kedua ibu bapaku dan kita semua. insyaAllah.***

Allahyarhamah Hajah Fatimah Said
160444-080707

anakmu,
Nana Al Mubarakah bt. Hj Suleiman

semantics

words
they mean nothing
and yet they mean everything
i want them to make sense
but it all sounds foreign to me
what is inside my head
doesn't match what my hand writes
and everything is lost
paragraphs
and syllables
grammar and punctuation
similies and metaphors
verbs and nouns
i understand them all
but i can't write a thing
i'd like to let you know
everything inside my head
but i can't find the words

** wrote this piece on june 11th, 2005...perhaps this is my "writers blocked" lullaby.. ehek!

Pesan pada dua ribu lapan

Aku adalah manusia yang beraneka warna.
Terkadang hitam, terkadang putih
Terkadang kelabu, terkadang hijau, terkadang merah
Terkadang cerah seperti siang yang berderang,
Terkadang gelap, pekat, seperti malam yang ditinggal sang rembulan.

Aku bangkit hari ini, tanggal satu januari, tahun dua ribu lapan.

Hadapi aku dua ribu lapan sebagaimana akanku hadapimu.

CineManiac

***from myspace blog, written on 6th November 2006

I have like tonnes of work and datelines but here I'm thinking about a film by Pedro Almodovar titled Bad Education and also Richard Linklater's Fast Food Nation and some other films i really want to watch.

I'm losing my focus, losing my so called creativity juices due to my commitment with work & studies le konon. Right now i feel so robotic. Two years back I would watch all the latest films. I would go to cinema and film screenings.

sometimes alone at least once a week just to satisfy my cravings. Would hunt all videostores, pirated or original just to get rare films. But now, i'm so outdated and ashamed to call myself a film ethuthiast.

So pardon me, if i haven't watched the box office film at theatre now. It feels like I've sinned myself. I'd only got to watch an animated film Open Season last tuesday, and you know why i chose to watch it? Because i just want to watch it. WITHOUT paying attention to all the film theories and etc.. like i always do and been trained for the past 4 years. but i can't. i failed. while watching it, i was like.."god the animation is so smooth and the plot is quite ok though its predictable and ashton kutcher voice over suits the character perfectly. how does the animator made boog's fur, the bear look so real, did they use 3dmax and maya or what. adeh. hehe. but overall, i enjoyed the film even tetibe kena migraine mase tgk tu. x bleh gelak besa. potong betul.

And i got to watch thank you for smoking + the banquet pirated dvds. i don't feel like elaborating on these two films, but both are worth watching. like layman cliche comment "its great, i give the film 3 stars"..hehehe..and i'm looking forward to watch the prestige. yeh cakap best. mesti tak sempat catch it at cinema. so i wanna request yeh to buy the dvd and i wanna make him watch it again with me. soon. huhu..

looking forward to join the film marathon with this one muvi buff next year at cineleisure until i feel like puking. can't wait.

happy screening everybody. let it be known, we need to instill the film appreciation as part of our culture. budaya menonton. ever thought about it before?

bagasi mimpi

tengah kota. tengah panas yang terik.terlihat segenap manusia.

bersama bagasi lutsinar.isinya mimpi-mimpi. cita-cita. doa-doa.

pelbagai warna.beraneka bentuk.yang bakal menjadi nyata?

wahai hamba-hamba tuhan yang lain.aku jua seperti semua.
dengan bagasiku.laluku bangun dari bagasiku
(yang tadi dijadikan tempat duduk seminit dua),
melangkah pada lalu-laluan yang adakalanya perit,
ada ketikanya mudah, ke dunia realisasi.

dengan itu, penuh harap, aku tersengih hingga ke telinga.
sambil mengangkut bagasi mimpi yang boleh tahan berat.hati berdetik,

"selagi boleh, kau pikul le labu. dapat tak dapat, belakang kira"