sembilan ketidakstabilan

1. Alhamdulillah saya jarang rasa penat walaupun saya bekerja 12 jam terus menerus tapi apa yang kurang stabil, saya selalu tidak bangun solat Subuh. Dengan itu, solat saya selalunya kurang lengkap 5 waktu. saya sedang berusaha untuk tidak tarik selimut bila dengar alarm clock berbunyi.
   
2. Lagi satu, saya boleh sahaja mengawal perasaan untuk tidak kentut di hadapan orang ramai tapi kenapa, MasyaAllah kenapa, siap-siap ambil wuduk perasaan untuk kentut selalu menduga. agak cemas apabila sedang bersolat. haish. terukkan. adakah saya normal? itu saya selalu tensen. dugaan betul.
   
3. Saya rasa saya berpakaian sederhana sahaja dan tidak melampau dalam bergaya tapi masih belum cukup kuat untuk berhijab. saya suka melihat orang yang berhijab, lebih-lebih lagi yang berjubah. sangat cantik tapi saya takut saya akan mencemari kewajipan menutup aurat dengan melebihkan ke arah berfesyen bukan kerana Ilahi. saya takut tapi secara perlahan saya sedang berusaha ke arah itu. saya sedang belajar melepas pandang dress-dress yang saya suka kepada tudung dan selendang yang cantik.
   
4. Saya jarang diserang penyakit yang berat. Alhamdulillah walaupun saya berbadan besar, saya dikategorikan dalam orang yang sihat dan cergas tapi yang kurang stabilnya, saya kurang bersenam dan saya tak suka bersukan. Saya terlalu adventurous dalam pemakanan selagi halal tapi itulah antara sebab saya berlebihan berat badan. haish. ok saya akan cuba kurangkan selera makan jika boleh. hehe.
   
5. Saya rasa boleh dikata seorang yang cinta pada ilmu. Oleh itu, Alhamdullilah, saya sentiasa teruja & cuba yang terbaik dalam bidang akademik, tetapi yang ketidakstabilannya, saya amat lemah kemahiran kendiri, saya takut memandu kereta. itu kekurangan yang paling ketara dan selalu menyusahkan orang lain. i guess i'm book smart not street smart. and usually street smart survived and book smart just wanna go back to school. bak kata salah seorang rakan saya, "nana ni study CGPA - 3.7 tapi LIFE, CGPA 1.7"
   
6. Saya agak lokek dengan diri sendiri tapi saya kurang menabung kerana saya akan pastikan jika ahli keluarga atau rakan rapat yang memerlukan pertolongan, saya akan tolong sebaik mungkin tetapi yang tidak eloknya, mungkin malu atau ego, saya terlalu takut untuk meminta tolong orang lain walaupun ada masanya saya hanya ada rm5 untuk makan & tambang.
   
7. Saya sering disamakan dengan taugeh, campak mana pun boleh hidup tapi kebenarannya, saya tidak boleh berjauhan dengan ahli keluarga saya. saya takut kalau apa-apa terjadi saya tiada dengan mereka ketika itu. saya terlalu mudah merindui mereka sampai adakalanya adik saya menyampah dengan saya. heheh. mungkin ini antara sebab saya enggan melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara, saya mahu mereka dekat dengan saya, kalaulah boleh angkut semua. dah lama saya bawa.
   
8. Saya senang bekerja dengan apa yang saya suka dengan ikhlasnya tetapi langsung tidak tahu mengambil peluang mengaut keuntungan walaupun saya tahu apa yang lakukan amat bernilai. Saya mahu menjadi seorang peniaga tapi saya takut jika saya letak harga pada sesuatu pekara, saya akan membebankan pembeli. haish bagaimana mahu untung? hehe i have no business sense what so ever. haish.
   
9. Saya kini kurang membeli-belah dan mula membuat perancangan kewangan untuk masa hadapan, Alhamdulillah adalah juga simpanan cuma saya sekarang lebih suka pada barang rumah, saya suka perabot & barang-barang dekoratif. saya akan mengumpul semua jenis shia iaitu bekas makanan bertingkat untuk memuaskan kehendak saya. tapi masalahnya saya menyewa bukan rumah sendiri. hmm. tidak sabar mahu rumah sendiri. tidak sabar.

100 dates later

i began to accept numbers.

wait. wait.

please do not go all AL GEBRA on Al Mubarakah, just yet.

i'm taking baby steps. yes baby steps.

but heck! i even began to love SUDOKU

i learnt to COUNT each day i'm with you.

you have no idea how chiwi i can get everytime i see you.

and even now, on our 100th dates together,

what i can't measure is how much i love you.

it's uncountable. perhaps, it's infinity in loving you.

Le Grand Voyage

REDA: Why didn't you fly to Mecca? It's a lot simpler.

FATHER: When the waters of the ocean rise to the heavens, they lose their bitterness to become pure again...

REDA: What?

FATHER: The ocean waters evaporate as they rise to the clouds. And as they evaporate they become fresh. That's why it's better to go on your pilgrimage on foot than on horseback, better on horseback than by car, better by car than by boat, better by boat than by plane.


Le Grand Voyage is a french road film produced in 2004 about a journey of son who was reluctantly accompanying his father to perform his Haj. It was one of the most outstanding film i 've watched because firstly, this film shown "azan" scene more than 3 times if i'm not mistaken. it shows the beauty of praying, bonding with Allah, Alhamdulillah. And secondly you could actually feel how they bond from a cold to close relationship of a father and son. And the ending, MasyaAllah, i was crying like a baby watching it.

This film reminded me of my journey with my late father to peform Haj in 1997. I didn't talked to him for 9 hours straight from Malaysia to Mecca. I'd only came to bond with him while performing Haj with him. It was a precious moment to set yourself free from hatred esspecially your own father. Yes, I was rebellious but Allah knows best, He gave me the chance to be close to my father again in Mecca. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah.

Le Grand Voyage touched me deep within my soul. i LOVE it. I miss & love my late father. Seriously, I love films. Films always manage to trigger me to appreciate my life better every time. I love films, seriously.

suh b jek-tiv

lately, i've been analyzing.

sometimes people can assume or some of them can be certain about you or themselves.
be it : your lifestyle, your personality, your goals or even your choices.

in a tiniest moment, all that assumptions can either make you feel good or bad about yourself.
don't lie, what other people say do influence us sometimes.

but the thing is, sometimes the life you never chose, has chosen you.
sometimes uncertainty can certainly become something beautiful.

so i always wonder why people intend to say, "that's not worth it" or "what you're doing is worthless"

why?

do the people already seen what is ahead us or even themselves?

why?

let alone ALLAH decides what worth or otherwise for us.

pray can only be the mightiest weapon for all times so pray for the best.

because at the end of the day, no matter how hard life can be, you only feel happy when there is sincerity.

be it: in love, family, friendship or life it self.

p/s : err i'm very subjective person. i'm sorry if your objectivity of life differs from mine.

Cik Mah

• Hajah Fatimah Said would turn 66 years old today if she's still alive. But she had returned to The Mighty Creator almost three years ago. Allah loves her more and know what best for her. He didn't want my Cik Mah to suffer with her sickness anymore.
  
• Not a single day of my life passes by without missing her very very dearly. I sometimes breakdown and cry but eventually stands up knowing that she will always be with me no matter what happens. she will always be in my heart.
  
• I miss her smile and the way she said "Mama sayang nana, nana sayang mama?",whenever i kissed her. we would end hugging and praying that everything would turn better. Alhamdulillah Mama, i'm coping quite fine with my life for now.You have raised me well and insyaAllah everything will be all right.
  
• I miss her cooking, everybody will say their mother's cooking is the best in the world and so am I. I miss her 3 am telur mata goreng and cili padi patah & kicap cair, and yes i insisted she prepared for me, though i can cook it myself. Air Tangan seorang ibu itu penuh dengan kasih sayang walaupun memasakkan bubur kosong.
  
• I miss to hear she sings all P. Ramlee's songs while baking cakes or cookies in the kitchen or sewing her children baju kurungs and baju melayu in her free time. All my baju kurung were made by her until she left this world. and now i wish i have learnt how to sew baju kurung when she was alive.
  
• I miss taking her to health centre or bring her out for breakfast, dinner or window shopping. she has always been out going, friendly & generous even she can only go around with her wheel chairs. In a month time, all my neighbours in Tmn Bukit Indah grown to love her when she moved here from Johor three years ago. Whoever who knows her will have tears in their eyes or laugh with joy whenever we speak of her. I'm not sure but perhaps she has touched their hearts like Mama always do with mine. All of them still remember her fondly.
  
• But most of all, i miss her love, strengths and believes. She tought me to be strong and patient and the same time. she tought me nothing is perfect in this world and always learn to accept other's flaws as a gift from Allah and treat everything with care & respect. Never stop praying even life can be bitter sometimes. She always stand firm that love & sincerity will save us from hatred. She believed that until her last breath. and Alhamdulillah, i'm living my life with the same believes so far and hopefully until i die.

Thank you ma for everything. I love you. You will always be my one and only Mama. Al Fatihah.

i have this feeling

i don't have much time.

do you ever feel that way?

as if you should be somewhere.

and all you care, when you get there,

everybody u leave will be ok?

zaman itu, saya tidak tahu apa maksud masalah

ketika berusia 12 tahun ke bawah, saya rasa saya tidak pernah tahu wujudnya masalah.
zaman itu, saya suka 4u2c. saya suka tonton filem mighty ducks dan saya rasa pakai seluar jeans terbalik macam group kriss kross sangat cool le time tu.

zaman itu, semua tidak mustahil. semua indah. zaman semua pekara yang aku lakukan arwah ibu bilang " pandai anak mama"

zaman sekarang, dah besar panjang ini. realistiknya, masalah dan juga penyelesaian wujud rupanya. saya sudah berusia, saya harus berfikiran jauh. bukan untuk diri sendiri sahaja, untuk semua orang, juga masa untuk masa hadapan.

well that's why i need to visit my past once in a while , to unlease my the inner child, zaman melompat-lompat tanpa masalah memang sangat menceriakan saya. hehehe.